a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
