3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
