Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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