i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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