my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
