He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
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So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
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Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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