I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
