he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
