Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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