sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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