I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"