Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
