if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
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