So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
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Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
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You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.