i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
love makes seman taste better
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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