If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
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