I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
