just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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