I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
