I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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