no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
