i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
