My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
