I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
