I feel great
I just peed on a car
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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