i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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