very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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