i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
