I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
