life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
