Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
