Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
