and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
