Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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