I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
