it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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