she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
