I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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