No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I am naked and annoyed.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
