I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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