someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
