Jerry, you need to find god
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The best revenge is premature balding
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
