I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
