I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
