i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
not ubering you a puppy
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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