If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
