I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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