I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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