so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
