and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
