Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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