i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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