i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
wow bdsm is so cute
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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