My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
