Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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