dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
