You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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