what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
