Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
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Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
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It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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