If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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