So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
