I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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