Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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